The Lists
by Susala
Summary: Klaine story from Kurt's POV takes place after BIOTA when Kurt realizes he must dispense with his delusional thinking about Blaine. Very close to canon. Based on a blog photo "Thought you were a god in skin but you are only human" Reviewers needed!


**A/N I have to get this out of my system before I can continue with my story Marshmallow.**

**Episode 2x14 "Blame it on the Alcohol" left a bad taste in my mouth. Not throw-up but it might as well have been. The lightening quick reaffirmation of Blaine's sexual orientation based on a sober kiss from Rachel ("Yep, I'm gay, 100 percent gay.") was outright ludicrous. Writers, please!**

**Understand this: I ship Klaine big time. But what follows is a one shot inspired by the photo "Thought you were a god in skin but you're only human" at blasthisass tumbler blog. A tip of this writer's chapeau to blog owner Joanna!**

**The List**

Kurt stirred, slowly waking and unwillingly beginning to recall how much the day before had sucked. He had a sour taste in his mouth; he was pissed at the world, at Blaine, and most especially at himself. Once again his infatuation with the beautiful curly haired boy had gripped Kurt by the short hairs.

Kurt's brain used to work. It was a perfectly functional brain but other organs seemed to be making his decisions regarding all matters Blaine.

Tightly wound up in the covers, Kurt watched as his mind replayed his conversation with Rachel in the coffee shop yet again. "There he is, dreamy as ever." Kurt was pointing out Blaine's entrance into the coffee shop. Rachel had let it be known to Kurt that she intended to make a play for his beloved, and she was there to carry out her plan.

Oh, Gaga - first Jeremiah, now Rachel. Once again Kurt was on the sidelines watching Blaine with someone else. Kurt punched his pillow and sighed. The sour taste rose in his throat again. Gag me.

Kurt also revisited the soaring of his heart that took place when Blaine uttered, "Yep, I'm gay, 100 percent gay." in response to Rachel's snog. Kurt had immediately pushed away from the table where he sat and rushed to console Rachel. Now, in the privacy of his bed, Kurt allowed the guilt from his own duplicity to wash over him, recalling that he had mentally leapt over Day-Glo rainbows on his way to her side. Was this convoluted soap opera going to be his god damn life?

Kurt groaned over the video playing in his memory and pulled the sheet and comforter over his head. Unfortunately, the increased darkness just put the visuals in sharper relief.

After Rachel raced out to welcome her song writing muse (conjured up by the newly full-fledged gayness of her might-be-bi beau) Kurt actually stood there, yes, he just stood there saving Blaine's place in line while dream boy was in the restroom. What a sad pity fuck; that well-groomed boy was drowning in unrequited love.

It was time. It was beyond time. Life's metronome was ticking. Who was at the piano? Kurt willed his brain into gear. He needed to evaluate this situation without the constant interference of his ridiculous heart or his overactive imagination. He commanded his heart and mind:

Forget the first-time-I-ever-saw-your-face moment on the staircase.

Forget the handholding breathless race to the senior commons only to learn that the boy showing me the shortcut was the lead 'rock star' at Dalton.

Forget the love songs, especially the flirty _Baby It's Cold Outside_ duet.

Forget the pats on my thigh, the long glances from those golden brown eyes, the chatty daily visits to the coffee shop.

Forget, erase, delete.

Instead, remember Jeremiah the fired Gap guy that Blaine talked all of the Warblers into serenading because he was so in love. But not with me.

Remember Blaine's obliviousness to my feelings and that sickening _When Harry Met Sally_ shit.

Remember Blaine's pathetic 180 degree turnaround on the merits of Valentine's Day.

Remember the party at Rachel's house where Blaine got stupid drunk then kissed and kissed _and kissed_ Rachel. But not me.

Remember when he is singing he can make anyone (even a girl) believe they are the object of his desires. And even Blaine may believe it, for a while.

Remember having a drunken Blaine, fully clothed, in my bed and _absolutely nothing happened_.

Remember Blaine's casual willingness to date Rachel. But not me.

Remember how Blaine made me feel like a heel, then walked away like queen bitch for a day, because he might be bi.

_Don't you want ME baby?_ Yeah, I'll be having that embossed on my new Egyptian cotton bath sheets.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

REALITY.

The alarm clock of truth was shrilly sounding off in Kurt's head. The Blaine of Kurt's dreams had been invited to come down from the golden throne to join the rest of the world in the bathroom of life in Lima, Ohio for a morning crap.

Thank Gaga it was Saturday. Kurt quieted his thoughts and pushed the covers away from his head. The house seemed completely silent. Was everyone already up and out? It was almost 10 o'clock. He could only hope he would have the house to himself for a while so he could devote some uninterrupted time to quiet contemplation. Kurt sat up on the edge of his bed with purpose. His frustration was already somewhat lessened by his promise to himself to use his head and honestly think things through. Whew. Sometimes just realizing he could decide to look at something differently provided some calmer breathing space.

He padded to the bathroom. Within fifteen minutes Kurt was showered, shaved, moisturized and peering into his closet for today's outfit. What a relief the Dalton jacket could stay on the hanger. Hopefully it would help clear his head to be jacket-free. This morning he pulled on his favorite old Calvin Klein jeans and the unbleached merino fisherman's sweater his dad scrimped and saved to buy Kurt for his 16th birthday. The shoes of the day would be tan loafers. Kurt stood back and looked at himself in the mirror. He had started to doubt his attractiveness in the past weeks, based mostly on Blaine's on-again off-again responses. Kurt mentally added another cost of his infatuation to what he mentally listed earlier: Remember how you began to doubt yourself and see yourself differently-more negatively- because Blaine was oblivious to you.

Kurt grabbed his laptop off of his desk and made his way downstairs to find the kitchen empty and breakfast dishes cleared. He switched on the Keurig® and found some Green Mountain Dark Magic, a take no prisoners wake up coffee if there ever was one. A minute later, mug in one hand, laptop in the other, Kurt ambled to his favorite comfortable chair in the corner of the family room. The house was his!

Sitting cross-legged in the chair, Kurt could feel the gentle warmth of the humming laptop on his thighs as he welcomed the almost burning first sip of coffee into his mouth. Hard to believe he could have been so inebriated by his feelings for Blaine with all that caffeine running through his system all this time. Kurt planned to let the caffeine do its job today, helping him keep his new approach to living with reality in the forefront.

After carefully placing his mug on the coaster on the side table, Kurt began keyboarding. He was going to make two lists. The first would be called "Blaine: The God in Skin"

Kurt grinned to himself with the irony of it all. He did not believe in God yet he had elevated Blaine in his own mind to a godlike position. Now he would force himself to write down every delusional thought he had ever had about Blaine.

_**Blaine: The God in Skin**_

_Blaine and I have been in love with each other from the first second we shook hands on the staircase at Dalton Academy._

Might as well start at the beginning.

_Blaine was singing "Teenage Dream" to __me__ because he realized the moment that he met me that I am the boy he has been waiting for all along._

Kurt flashed on the seductive moves Blaine made as he was dancing and singing with the Warblers. It seemed like Blaine had been smiling into Kurt's eyes the whole time. Yeah, Kurt realized he was thinking with his cock when he bought into that figment of the imagination.

_Blaine asked me to have a latte with him, Wes, and David that first day we met because he was afraid I would get away without finding out more about me._

_Blaine sent me those "courage" texts as some excuse for staying in touch with me._

Flatter yourself much, Kurt Hummel? Kurt was on a roll. He took another swallow of coffee and continued his list.

_Blaine came to McKinley to confront Karofsky because he was feeling protective towards me and did not want other guys getting ideas about me._

_Blaine was thrilled when I told him I was coming to Dalton because he knew he could see me all the time._

Kurt sipped thoughtfully before continuing. This was frigging painful, but it was also cathartic.

_Blaine really wanted to be singing the Baby It's Cold Outside duet with me, not the girl at King's Island._

That last flight of fancy was a delicious few minutes that Kurt hated to let go of. He had played it over and over again in his mind to keep himself feeling hopeful.

Kurt sighed and continued.

_Blaine is the most drop dead gorgeous gay boy in the world._

_Blaine is perfect in every way. _

_Blaine wants to kiss me but he knows I was freaked out by Karofsky's kiss and he is waiting for the perfect moment._

_Blaine and I are both virgins and the first time we have sex it will be with each other. And it will be amazing._

_Blaine is secretly in love with me and he is trying to figure out how to let me know. _

_Or maybe Blaine is in love with me, and he just doesn't realize it yet. (But someday he will.) _

Kurt looked back at all he had written. He drained the mug of the remaining lukewarm coffee. Then he wrote the grand daddy fantasy of them all:

_Blaine is the handsome prince who will save me from my mundane existence. Blaine and I are going to declare our undying love for one another, get married, and live happily ever after._

There. Was that it? Had he emptied out all his pathetic romantic delusions?

Kurt felt like he was exorcising a demon, pushing all the self-inflicted poison out of his system. He read the list over slowly, tearing up a couple of times. For the first time he began to understand what people meant when they said, "Confession is good for the soul." Did he really believe all that? Yes, on some level, Kurt had convinced himself to live life as if all those godlike perceptions of Blaine were facts. Not so. And he had to let go of his fantasies about Blaine's feelings for him.

Kurt was uncomfortable after sitting in one position for such a long time, so moved the computer to the side table and got up to stretch his legs. He could use another cup of coffee and he needed something to eat.

In the kitchen a bakery bag on the counter drew his attention. He would kill for a bagel. Kurt and everyone else was in luck, all lives would be spared that morning. He cut open a blueberry bagel and placed both halves in the toaster. The cream cheese was on a plate in the refrigerator. Kurt stood over the sink and enjoyed his simple brunch, then made another cup of coffee before returning to the family room.

Once again he sat cross-legged in the chair, depositing the fresh mug of coffee on the coaster and picking up the laptop to resume his efforts. There was another inventory he needed to record and this one was titled "Blaine: Only Human."

Kurt's brain once again went to work. No more 'dreamy Blaine' Kurt told himself sternly. No more Blaine + Kurt in a heart sketched in red ink. It was time to make a list that described his friend, blemishes and all. Kurt took a big swallow of Dark Magic from his mug and sat it down again.

_**Blaine: Only Human**_

_Blaine is a 17 year old boy who attends Dalton Academy in Worthington, Ohio_

_Blaine is musically talented and has stage presence._

_Blaine flirts more and acts more confident when he is singing than when he is not performing._

_Blaine is attractive. He has really curly dark hair, nice eyes, and a great smile._

_Blaine is shorter than me._

_Blaine is a friend of mine. He is my first friend who is also gay. _

_Blaine tries to help me adjust to school at Dalton and has encouraged me to be active with the Warblers._

_Blaine has mixed feelings about Valentine's Day and is not very good at romance._

_Blaine can be easily confused._

_Blaine and I don't see everything eye to eye._

_Blaine makes mistakes._

Kurt stopped typing and felt a sense of calm wash over him that he had not felt in weeks. He took a sip of coffee and read over the list, adding or changing a few words until it suited him. Then with a little smile playing at the corner of his mouth added one more item to the list.

_Blaine is a regular guy, trying to figure it all out, pretty much like the rest of us._

"So this is the Blaine that I have honestly observed, the real "de-romanticized" human being," Kurt mused as he looked at the second, shorter list. What a relief to finally let go of some of that crap he had been telling himself. How would he get along with Blaine the human? In a flash of insight Kurt realized taking Blaine off of his pedestal might make life a little easier for Blaine, too. After all, Kurt was the one who put him on that pedestal. If their relationship was built more on reality, it had to be better for both of them, right?

Maybe he would feel sad about losing dreamy Blaine at some point, but for now he felt only a kindness toward the young man who was his friend. He also felt some affection, but it was tied more to their shared humanity; he felt empathy for his friend, the regular guy with all the normal (albeit frustrating) limitations.

It was quiet and peaceful in the Hummel household and it was also remarkably peaceful in Kurt's mind and heart. Kurt saved the lists in his journal folder. Just as he shut down the laptop the cell phone in his pocket went off. Kurt jumped at the sudden intrusion from Katy Perry…

_My heart stops  
When you look at me  
Just one touch  
Now baby I believe  
This is real  
So take a chance  
And don't ever look back  
Don't ever look back.._

Shit. Kurt really needed to change that ringtone. But for now he just smiled and answered the call.

"Blaine Anderson, it is nice to finally meet you."

"What? Kurt?

"Yes, it's me. _In the flesh._ What's up with you, friend?"

**Readers: Please review.**

**I would love to learn what you think… Please take a moment to throw rose petals or rocks, as the case may be.  
**


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